CROW (Counselling Resources on the Web)
Bereavement
When you came to University, one of the last things that would have been on your mind was losing someone special.
What it means to lose someone special
When you have lost someone special, it may feel like life will never be the same again. Many things will be going through your mind.
Every memory of the special person may bring fresh floods of tears as you realise you will never be able to go for a walk with them again, or see them on Christmas day or get a phone call from them. It is difficult to predict what will spark these memories and thoughts. For some people it is hearing a particular piece of music that you used to dance to together. For others it is their birthday or graduation day. Still others may hear a phrase that they used a lot or be reminded by someone’s smile. Seeing other couples or mothers or hearing others speak about their loved ones may also bring remembrances.
Feeling upset, numb, angry, helpless or hopeless are natural when you have lost someone special. It isn’t very helpful to berate yourself for feeling this way. Thinking that you should "just pull yourself together" or be "happy for them, they’ve gone to a better place" is not very helpful either.
It is hard to predict how long it will take you to feel that life will go on and that you can cope. For some people it is a fairly short time and for others it seems to take a lot longer. There are things you can do which may help you make sense of this difficult situation and thus help you feel as if you are able to get on with living again.
How do I get my life back together again?
- Give yourself the space to grieve - don’t try and rush things along
- Take care of yourself - see that you get enough sleep, exercise and food
- Speak to other people - share memories of your special person
- Spend time with others doing enjoyable things - at first you may not feel as if you are having much fun, but with time, things will become more of a pleasure again
- Be prepared for a sudden 'out of the blue' reminder or sad feeling - it is a natural part of grieving and will pass
- Take time to enjoy those special people who are still with you
- If you feel you can’t cope or are being a 'burden' to those around you - consider seeking counselling. Many people do this and find it helps.
- Find a way that feels comfortable to 'talk' to your special person. You may want to go somewhere special to do so or play some special music. It doesn’t matter what you choose as long as it feels ok for you. Other people may have different ideas of what you should do such as visiting the grave. If it doesn’t feel right, you may wish to do something different.
Self check
I am:
- Eating, sleeping and exercising sufficiently
- Talking to supportive friends and family frequently/daily
- Keeping the routines of my life going - work, sport, interests and friends
- Not making any big or sudden decisions about my life
- Taking special care of myself in ways I value
- Minimising or avoiding drugs, alcohol, and smoking.
- Avoiding extra responsibilities during this healing time
- Expressing myself creatively through art or writing
- Finding a place and time to 'talk' to my special person
- Doing some 'fun' things
- Considering going to Student Counselling
Where to from here?
Life may well never be quite the same again but your feelings of loss will not always be as painful as they are now. There are places to go if you find you need more than friends or family can provide. The Student Counselling Service offers a confidential and sensitive service that can help. Other sources of help could be your spiritual leader, or the Samaritans (0800 726 666) . Most libraries have self-help books which many people find helpful. There is also information and resources available on the skylight website.
If you would like to make an appointment to see a counsellor to learn more about this topic please contact the counselling service on your campus. Distance students can contact any one of the campuses.
Please tell the receptionist if you need an urgent appointment.
Manawatu: Student Counselling Service, Turitea Campus, Monday to Friday 8.30 am - 5.00 pm (8.30 - 4.30 during semester breaks). Telephone (06) 350-5533.
