CROW (Counselling Resources on the Web)
Why Can't my ex Understand? It's Over!
When you have been in a meaningful relationship, you and the other party have usually made an investment in the relationship and in each other.
When you decide that the relationship is no longer working for you, that you’d rather be with someone else or with no-one at all, it can be very difficult for either one or both of you.
You may :
- feel guilty about leaving or your reasons for leaving and consequently may not want or be able to give clear reasons for going.
- be dealing with your own issues that make it difficult for you to stay in the relationship.
- be unwilling or unable to make a longer commitment to the other party or the relationship.
- have developed different goals which preclude you continuing in the relationship.
- be unsure of how best to inform the other party and leave.
You have made your decision, possibly some time ago. For the other party this may be big news and a big shock. It will take some time for them to accept it and come to terms with it. They may need to hear it from you more than once for example. Also you may not find it easy to accept the repeated demands of the other party for your reasons for wanting to leave the relationship. This can be a frustrating time for both of you.
Your reactions may include:
- Avoidance - of the person out of a sense of frustration.
- Anger - How dare they keep demanding over and over again for me to tell them why I’m leaving, or asking me to stay.
- Depression and Guilt - "I’m a failure." "There’s something wrong with me, that I can’t make this work."
- Denial - what’s the big deal?
What do I need to remember?
- Feeling hurt and upset is natural - most people take some time to recover from a broken relationship, even if they initiated the separation.
- Cry, punch the pillow, talk out loud, go for long walks and do what you need to do. Tears are an important way to express your sorrow.
- Talk to your friends or family. That’s what friends and families can do for each other.
- Try and keep your sleeping, eating and exercise programmes running, although some disruption to these may occur, see a GP or counsellor if you’re concerned or not coping.
- Pamper yourself. Long bubble baths with a good book, coffee or glass of champagne, soft music, candles, etc. work well for some.
- Rekindle friendships that may have been taking second place to your special relationship. Some people feel guilty about having neglected other relationships and are uncertain about crying on a friend’s shoulders. Most friends are forgiving and often only too pleased to spend time with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for support.
- You may find your concentration is affected so make lists, take breaks, give yourself some leeway to do things (don‘t try and do things at the last minute or take on new responsibilities)
- Minimise and monitor your use of alcohol, smoking, caffeine and drugs to avoid the added complication of addiction issues. We sometimes use these substances to escape and help block out the pain.
What may I be doing to make things worse?
Avoid one night stands or rebound relationships, don’t start a new relationship before fully working through the issues around the ending of this relationship. Taking unresolved grief into a new relationship tends to complicate it, and slow your healing.
Avoid giving mixed messages to the other party, or false hopes. If you’re confused about your feelings and what you want, take time to think through things carefully, when you are more emotionally detached. Consider going to counselling alone or with the other party.
How can I help my partner after I leave him or her?
There is no nice way to tell someone you’re leaving them, but choose your time, place and words carefully. Show you appreciate and value the person and the good things you have shared and haven’t made this decision lightly.
As the initiator of this separation, in some ways the process may be easier for you than your partner. If that is the case then you can help by not trying to support them emotionally through this. Seeing you may be very painful for him or her. Encourage her or him to find support with friends, family or to go to counselling. Similarly find your support elsewhere, your partner will have plenty on their hands just dealing with their own feelings. Create healthy boundaries and respect them. You are responsible for yourself, not the other party.
Self check
You may like to check out what you are doing or can do to manage your loss and take care of yourself through this transition
I am:
- Eating, sleeping and exercising well
- Talking to supportive friends frequently/daily
- Thinking honestly and realistically about my goals, choices and what I want.
- Keeping the other parts of my life going - work, sport, interests, friends
- Taking special care of myself
- Minimising and avoiding drugs, alcohol, and smoking
- Respecting boundaries
- Expressing myself creatively through art or writing
Where to from here?
If you would like to make an appointment to see a counsellor to learn more about this topic please contact the counselling service on your campus. Distance students can contact any one of the campuses.
Please tell the receptionist if you need an urgent appointment.
Manawatu: Student Counselling Service, Turitea Campus, Monday to Friday 8.30 am - 5.00 pm (8.30 - 4.30 during semester breaks). Telephone (06) 350-5533.
