Using Valentine's Day as a time to check in on how your relationships are doing can make the occasion helpful rather than stressful and expensive, says Dr Kirsty Ross.
For many people in relationships, Valentine’s Day brings a feeling of pressure to live up to the hype of marketing and advertising, or can bring feelings of sadness and inadequacy if not in a relationship on the day. As with many of these days marked on the calendar, it is important to look at what these days can bring to your life that can be helpful, rather than stressful and expensive, says clinical psychologist Dr Kirsty Ross.
For those in a relationship, there is value in a reminder to pay attention to our partners, their needs, wishes and goals, and to make time for checking in with how your relationship is doing. This doesn’t have to be a serious and daunting task. A simple meal together or going for a walk where you ask your partner how they are doing and how they feel things are going can get the conversation going.
Asking questions such as what you are doing that makes them feel valued and loved can be really revealing – sometimes the answers are as simple as bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning, or as powerful as messages through the day letting you know that you are in your partner’s thoughts. Sometimes it's the little things like a smile as soon as you walk through the door and see your partner, or a hug when they leave the house. Sometimes love can be expressed through things like saying 'let me know you get there safe'.
Unfortunately, these acts of love can be missed if you are both not seeing them for what they are, so having a conversation about what is often talked about as your ‘language of love’ (The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, a 1992 book by Gary Chapman) means that you will start to recognise efforts your partner is making to show you love and affection that you may be missing. It also gives people a chance to request things that are meaningful and important to them. Often in relationships people assume their partners know them so well they should be able to read their minds. Relationships require ongoing and good communication to ensure that challenges and difficulties addressed, and that strengths and positive aspects of your partner and relationship can be celebrated.
Valentine’s Day can also be a time to take stock of how you are tracking as a couple with your goals, and ensuring your values are still in harmony and being enacted in your lives on a regular basis. Doing simple exercises like a values check-in or Bulls Eye individually, and then comparing your responses as a couple, can help clarify shared values and open up conversations about how to navigate and negotiate any differences.
Senior Clinical Psychologist and Senior Lecturer in Clinical Psychology Dr Kirsty Ross.
If you are not in a relationship, please also remember that taking time to show love and appreciation for others in your life can also be a great goal for Valentine’s Day. I have seen many new greeting cards designed for friendships which are lovely. Going for a walk or out to dinner with some good friends can be a lovely way to spend the day and celebrate those who are important in your life. Spending time with your children can also be a great way to celebrate those you love in your life. In these difficult times, support from those we love, and those who understand and care for us is crucial and worth putting some time into saying ‘thank you for what you bring to my life’. Relationships come in many forms and whatever form they take in your life, being grateful and expressing that is powerful for not just you but also the recipient – whether parents, partner, friends, children or even if they are of the four legged variety.
And finally, as cliched as it sounds, the most important person in your life, who deserves your love, time and attention is yourself. On this Valentine’s Day, remember to do something for yourself and look at what you are doing for self-care. It is a timely reminder to do a holistic stock-take of how you are doing, what your needs are, and re-committing to paying attention to yourself so that your own emotional, physical and spiritual buckets are full. This will mean you are not only caring for yourself and your health and wellbeing, but you can be fully present and able to contribute to the relationships in your life that are important to you.